Just lil ole me!

Today is a day that I am compelled to just be me.

I’ve come to a place where with

so much hurt, so much pain, so much joy, so much laughter.

I choose not to chase after anything

I’m tired. Not in a bad way and I won’t say nothing matters

It’s just a day where I see that I do and go and go so much

I’ve missed the most important thing

My feelings, my own loving touch.

I care for tend to cater to and do for others so much

I’ve exhausted me, depleted me landed in a rut.

Is this a complaint or a woe is me?

That’s a road leading to sorrow regret and misery.

I’m actually extremely very happy

Just wanting to get with me and be me

Do nothing, be, smile just for now

Be carefree.

I’m always going to do, hold you down help you thrive strive and be there for you.

Just keep in mind my dreams

what I aspire to live be have bring to fruition and do.

Factor me into the equation of the life you live too.

Not I fight for me and you fight for you

Together unified we can dream live do be and have all that we want to

I love you and I hope your loving me too

Just lil ole me learning to love big ole you.

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What now?

My focal point right now is me and all that I have to do. Getting right on the inside getting and sticking with God no matter who I have to cut off and say goodbye to. Reason being you can’t get me into the pearly gates of heaven but I surely can follow you into the eternal burning depths of hell. Following behind you my man, or maybe its you my supposed homegirl. It could even consist of wrongful intentions from someone else that I love. The person doesn’t matter; paying attention to the spirit man within. As long as I don’t lash out at you all I can do is win win win. Will I allow you to control me? No! That’s not how I do. Desiring to change me? Ask yourself who did you really fall in love with then? Be willing to receive and work on the truth. Enhancing, enriching, edifying and empowering me. That’s what I’d expect and love from you. Am I going to hop on one foot and bark like a dog just because you told me to? No sorry boo boo that’s not how I do. I’m a different kind of breed maybe the love that God has placed within me is a bit to strong for you. I wasn’t raised to walk away because times got rough, I got tired or simply because I just wanted to. You decide whether you will stick and stay. Or if you desire to go along on your merry way. Confusion, drama, back and forth with the drama. Not having it today! No perfect man walked this earth but Christ and I know for certain God hasn’t remade that mold twice. The decision is yours ask yourself what now? Yes I do love you but my life will go on anyhow……… Am I bragging and boasting in me? Absolutely not! I am much better, stronger and go a lot longer with you then without you. However, truth is I wasn’t born with you and if its the Almighty Father God’s plan I won’t be dying with you.

Trusting no one!

Respect is a must. Trust must be earned. Huh? Yes! Thats exactly where I’m at. I will respect you because I am supposed to. Because I am not being judgmental. No matter what you have done. Thats between you and your God (for the atheist – conscious). I’ve walked the walk; so oh yes I am going to talk the talk. We just met. I am going to (if raised properly) address you courteously, kindly and in a proper fashion in my own diction. Be it slang or an eloquent manner of speaking. Yes I will respect you to not speak harshly, wrongly, nor in an ill manner. Do I trust you? No!

Having just met you will I sit my purse down with all of its contents? Bank cards, cash, identification and whatever other items of mine inside. Nope! Absolutely not!  Your agreeing right now right? Yup! You sure are. Now how am I supposed to open up to trust you to be a friend? How do I let my guard down to let you in? How do I look at my loved ones and know they’re there and won’t deceive me, hurt me, or lie to me after all of the things that they’ve did!

Am I exempt. Heck to the No! (said as written no grammatical errors or typos) Oh yeah this is what makes it worse. Probably because I hurt you first. My mind is twisted and my heart is hurt from all that’s been done to me in life and all that I’ve done to others.  Forgiving others is easy! Forgiving myself takes work. Father forgive us our trespasses and we forgive those who trespassed against us. This keeps me going as I do the works. I don’t trust you because I have to relearn to trust me first.

Reflections Placing the blame.

As a survivor of domestic violence we have to remember to both place the blame and to not place the blame. Confused? Good. This means that your in a space to be open to receive.  The same as the abuser places the blame on the abused for the reasons the abuser manipulates, controls, beats and more. (Yes there is much more to abusing someone). The abused  must be able to in turn place this misplaced blame. He or she (yes men are abused as well) must be able to say to him or herself that is not me. I am not the person that he/she says I am. No it is not my fault that he/she threw the plate of food at me. This is the start to the beginning of the healing process. The proper placement of this blame allows the abused to be freed from those thoughts plaguing his/her mind and makes the abuser accountable for his or her own actions. No this should not be verbally said to the abuser of the abused. This is simply a stepping stone in the healing process. #nuffsaid